Thursday, December 1, 2011

An Insight To Christmas With Depression

December is here and that means stress and depression!  Stress of finances, shopping and dealing with crowds, missing family, dealing with traffic, cleaning, putting up Christmas decorations and cooking.  Christmas just isn't a good time of year for me.  It's very stressful and often times I deal with depression throughout the season.  Just dealing with the finances of Christmas alone is depressing. This time of the year is a day to day battle for me. 

On top of it all my husband hates Christmas, so that ruins it for me.  And he works straight through it.  My son is now grown and I miss my family.  My family lives an hour and a half away and my vehicle has some problems, so I can't travel to see them.  My parents are both deceased.  My mother passed away right around Christmas 2001, it was on December 13th.  My father passed February 2, 1982.  I miss them both dearly. 

I always feel exhausted as it is and the thought of cooking, cleaning, putting up decorations and shopping is overwhelming to me.  Not that I hate Christmas, I don't.  Matter of fact, it use to be one of the happiest times of my life.  I lived for Christmas.  Losing my father was hard, but I think once I lost my mother that was the final blow.  Then once my son was grown and I married someone who hates and wishes the holiday didn't exist that was just the icing on the cake. 

I just don't feel joy anymore.  All I feel is stress and depression.  I look around and see how happy everyone else is and I feel jealous that I don't have that.  It's hard not to be envious.  Every one telling you Merry Christmas and you feel pressured to be joyful and happy when your just not.  All I strive for at Christmas is to just get through it.  I take it one day at a time.  There's only one reason I still try to make it through Christmas and that is my son, even though he is grown, I know he still loves it, though he wouldn't say so.  He probably gets that from me over the past several years. 

This is just an insight into someone who deals with depression throughout the holidays.  But while I am just going to try to get through Christmas, I do hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas out there.  Because even though it's hard on me, I don't wish my predicament on anyone. 

No comments: