Updated: 8/09
My story of mental illness began in my early childhood, as I remember having struggles within myself even at the tender young age of four. I had a bit of a rocky childhood, and as I got older began to get migraines around the age of 12, and in addition began having bouts with depression, and mood swings. Over the next several years I fought on and off with the depression and mood swings, even attempting suicide and being hospitlized for two weeks at the young age of 25. I recovered and went on about my life. Later, I met someone, we were married, things were good for a while; but I still had the struggles with the mood swings and depression that led to me taking an overdose of pills on three more occasions, however I didn't report it or go to the hospital for these. Sadly, since that time, I divorced once, became engaged a second time, then unengaged, lost three cars, three homes and four jobs. And that's just a quick summarization of the difficulties and struggles I've dealt with in relation to my mental illness. I was originally diagnosed with clinical depression, and in addition, social & general anxiety disorders, plus panic attacks. That was until 2007 when they told me I had Bipolar II instead of Clinical Depression. With Bipolar II, I have the downs (severe depression) majority of the time, rather than the highs, and when I do have the highs they're not too often, don't last long, and are not severe like that of Bipolar I. That's why I never imagined I was Bipolar, but now, it all makes sense.
Bipolar II basically took over and ruined my life. I have times in my life when I feel perfectly normal and even feel extremely creative, outgoing and vibrant, even grandiousity at times, but most times it's the opposite, as well as a great struggle. Most people to look at me would have no idea, nor ever imagine what I deal with personally. I have a fight within myself each and every day of my life, and probably will for the remainder of my life. During my earlier, and more stable years, I did quite well in my writing classes, especially in community college...earned mostly A's and B's. I had a range of studies from Psychology, Sociology and Writing to Photography, Music, Religion, Business and Computer related courses. I often thought I might end up becoming a writer, but unfortunately with this disease, and the mood and concentration problems that come with it, sometimes as much as I want to, and enjoy writing, the cooperation just isn't there. So, I just write what I can, when I can, the best that I can. One thing I have learned is that this illness becomes worse and more difficult to deal with the older I get.
So what keeps me going? Well I would have to say it's a combination of things such as therapy, medication, and support (emotional and physical), and dealing with each day one day at a time. So far, I have been doing well, but of course, I still have my great days, good days, bad days and very bad days. Everyone is different, so what doesn't work for one, may work for another, and vice versa, so it's important to try many different avenues of therapy. Also, even though I lost a lot of faith along my rocky road, I have gone back to watching my favorite preacher and author, Joyce Meyer's "Enjoying Everyday Life" as well as reading my daily devotions. Joyce Meyer gives me an extra added boost, and is very uplifting and encouraging. She has been great to me in providing me with with free books, cd's and tapes. I try not to think way ahead of what may or may not be, but rather just try to focus on the day at hand, and to just get through one day at a time.
And what do I do to get through each day? Try to keep my mind busy, it's a mixture of things. As it had gotten to be impossible for me to obtain or hold down full-time employment with my illness, I filed (and was awarded Social Security Disability in the summer of 2008) as suggested by my Doctors and Counselors. In addition, I do some limited WAH opportunities within allowment, marketing/promo, online research and occasional field work for Marketing/Promotional assignments as an Independent Agent for a couple of companies. In addition, I spend time socialy with friends either in person or online, and I do some reading, puzzles, watching my favorite shows on tv, cooking, grocery shopping, visiting family, walking and/or going to the gym and of course housework. I also continiously work on my website I created in early 2007 (to assist/help others in any way possible that I can, and it allows me to work & co-exist with my illness) Resourceful Living, And though I don't do this often enough as I should or would like to, I spend time writing and working on all my blogs:
R4U -"Life Matters" http://www.kctool.blogspot.com/
"Mental Health Matter's" http://www.mhmatters.blogspot.com/
"Simply Go Green" http://www.simplygogreen.blogspot.com/ and
"Work at Home Housewives" http://www.wahhousewives.blogspot.com/
To some, it may not seem like much, but in reality...it can sometimes be a lot...for me anyway and it get's me through the day. I can say though, no matter what, without my meds, I don't think anything else would get me through the day...the medication is a very important part, as well as having continued support of all kinds.
As for " getting through the toughest of times", it's not just what I hang on to as it is even more what I'm afraid of such as: leaving my son alone (although he's grown), pain (both mental and physical for me) I would inflict upon myself and my son from suicide, and being in this world or even leaving this world as a failure. I hope what I have shared helps in someone out there, even if in some small way.
As for me, I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trying to trust the rest will come by patience, love, support, assistance, and help from other humane people, and by way of the LORD. If you or someone you know is dealing with mental illness, please support and encourage them, be their friend and PLEASE get help or help them obtain help, because they need you, whether they admit it or not. Please offer your support and understanding, don't criticize, don't judge, don't discriminate, mental illness is a disease like any other disease.
For help or more information concerning mental illness, please visit the website listed above for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) or any of the websites listed below.
Mental Health America (MHA)
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
National Institute of Mental Health
Mayo Clinic
Mental Health America
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